leap day

In fifth century Ireland, women grew tired of waiting on their slacker men to propose marriage. St. Bridget complained to St. Patrick, who said that “single women could put a ring on it” every leap day. That is not a direct quote, but it captures the gist of his capitulation.

Single women from Bridget to Beyoncé have made this a tradition, which makes tomorrow a particularly dangerous day for single, slacker men. I endured a couple of awkward leap days during my single, bashful days, and I learned these Top Ten Ways to Avoid Unwanted Engagements on Leap Day.

10. Avoid eye contact with unattached females.

9. Drive an old car to work, preferably a 1990 CRX that you bought used 18 and a half years ago but are still driving because you’re too cheap to replace it and the road salt of winter conceals the sloppy Bondo you applied when you were in a hurry and didn’t exactly follow the directions on the can. Besides, the bumper is still mostly on and it is fun to drive. If you don’t have a suitable beater, email me and I’ll loan you one for the day.

8. Begin every conversation with a string of words that make no sense. This is a twofer, because it’s also a handy way to check if you have the gift of tongues.

7. Don’t comb over your comb over. I would add “untuck your shirt,” but that makes the ladies swoon these days.

6. Lean forward and say conspiratorially, “I think I might be gay.” This takes a high degree of confidence to pull off, and since lack of confidence is the number one reason slacker guys are single, I wouldn’t recommend trying this one.

If you are unable to avoid her proposal, and you lack sufficient confidence to turn her down, then try these when saying Yes.

5. Pump your fist and shout “Score one for the complementarians!”

4. “What an answer to prayer, my unemployment checks were about to run out.”

3. “You’re the second person who has asked today. Are you okay with having a sister-wife?”

2. “Alright, but I’m not giving up my Xbox 360.”

1. “Sure. Do you like Pokemon?”

I showed this list to an eligible friend I’ll call Diana (because that’s her name), and she has this message for slacker guys:  if you want to make it through tomorrow still single, then “don’t change a thing about you.” It really is that easy.

11 Comments

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  1. Hilarious…I had no idea of the dangers single men were in..Luckily, I think your suggestions will help keep them that way.

  2. That CRX could have been mine! Oh well…my guitar was well worth it.

  3. Jon, if you are my nephew formerly known as “Jonathan,” the all-time snapper in your uncles’ backyard football games, then you don’t need my car to keep the ladies away. You could probably walk through tomorrow with a “Marry Me” sign around your neck and still make it through unscathed.

  4. That’s probably a good thing because I’m kinda young to be gettin married. Besides, women cost too much. Honda is good, although, your 1/2 bondo, 1/2 metal car probably needs to take a permanent sybatical.

  5. Jonathan: How did you score a 31 on your ATC and not know how to spell “silbatikle”?

  6. I laughed out loud. Thanks!

  7. Mike, did you spell it “ATC” on purpose? I wouldn’t know since I’m from New York State where we took only the STAs.

  8. My favourite part of this whole thing is the bargaining between the saints. What a terrific fake holiday!

  9. Stupid auto correct…you would think in this age of mobile computers that they would be able to make one with an accurate spell check. I guess speeling is just a lost art.

  10. Besides, relax, it was just my first time taking my ATC. I’m allowed to bomb it, right?

  11. Not satisfied to be a witty theologian, he gave himself over to life as a comedian. Sadly, though, his work never really took off, because he refused to untuck his shirt.

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