designated pagans

Matthew Westerholm sent me this link to an atheistic organization that is meeting a real need.  For $110, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets will rush to your house within 24 hours of the rapture and rescue your beloved pet which is left behind.  The only flaw in their business model is that many dispensationalist pretribbers were taught that the earth and its non-souled inhabitants don’t matter, so it may be difficult to get them to spring for their pets.

I love their FAQ’s page:

Q: How can we trust that you’ll honor your service agreement, afterall, you ARE atheists.
A: Being an atheist does not mean we lack morals or ethics. It just means we don’t believe in God or gods. All of our representatives are normal folks who love and live for their family, are gainfully employed, and have friends of varying beliefs.  Some of us are married to believers. Many of us volunteer our time at food banks, animal shelters, meals on wheels organizations, etc.   We fully endorse the “Rule of Reciprocity”, also known as “The Golden Rule.” We just happen not to believe in God(s).  Belief in God does not ensure righteousness, nor does non-belief imply immorality. Jesus understood this. Please reference Luke 10, re “The Good Samaritan.”

Q: When the Rapture occurs, how long before my pet is rescued?
A: The timing is contingent on the number of subscribers we have in each state/region and travel distance.  Our rescuers know that this is a time sensitive service.  Pets’ lives are at stake.  We will limit the number of subscribers in each zone so that any given rescuer will not be over burdened. Naturally, we must anticipate that there will be widespread chaos and confusion immediately following the Rapture that could impact travel times.  Thus, we are targeting a maximum of between 18- 24 hours from realization of the Rapture, to animal rescue.

Q: If my pet has special needs, can you accomodate them?
A: Yes. Our contract form includes room for specific care instructions, medications/dosages, preferred foods, even any favored pet toys that should be brought from your home to your pets new home.  While we expect most animals to be stressed because of your absence etc.,  we do ask that if your pet is prone to aggressive behavior that you note this on the form so we can take precautions to ensure the rescuer’s and your pet’s safety.

Q: What if one of my family members are left behind. Will you still take posession of my pet?
A: That depends. When the rescuer arrives, if your loved one wants to retain possesion of the pet, the pet stays in the home.   We expect in these circumstances that the pet will offer the family member some comfort and stability given the trauma of what has occurred.  If the family member prefers, we will adopt the pet per our contract.

Q: How can your rescuers possibly pay for my pet’s care for only $110.00?
A: The $110.00 initial fee for one pet is not for the cost of their care.  It is to compensate the rescuers for their travel, cover website expenses, and provide a profit margin.  The rescuers have agreed to adopt your pet as their own and care for them as they do their own pets, at their own expense.

17 Comments

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  1. I spoke with my dog about this and he assured me that he would rather go it alone than live with atheists…

  2. I thought all dogs go to heaven? Is there a secret rapture just for them! Dude….my eschatology is suffering here!!!

  3. Hi, Bart from Eternal Earth-Bound Pets here… Thanks for discussing my site.

    Todd…if you are holding conversations with your dog, my guess is he is posessed by Satan. Eventually he will kill you in your sleep; and likely eat you. Given that, we wouldn’t accept him as a candidate for rescue on a bet, which in fact is the entire premise of our service offering…a bet.

    Paul… Dude!! There is no scripture that suggests your dog is going to heaven/being rapture. That’s feel good doctrine that Christians like to invent to make eveything warm and fuzzy. You think the billions of animals wiped out by god during “the flood” are hob nobing with jesus? Get serious. Doctrine is not determined by old movie titles. It’s determined by bronze age, and 4th century cultists.

    Besdiaes, imagine a doctrine, which is already intolerant and exclusive, suggesting your dog Fido, cat Fluffy and pet squid Nemo all get to go to heaven and pal around with Abraham and Paul, et al, while Albert Einstein, Anne Frank, Gandhi, Carl Sagan, Jonas Salk, and billions of other good and productive folks burn in a lake of fire for eternity simply for non-belief in your preferred man-god… yikes.

    Let me see, could I invent a more dispicable, hideous and hateful doctrine? Mmmmm… Nope.

    That said… hurry up and take out your contract for post rapture pet rescue, before we increase our prices as 2012 approaches.

    Best regards,
    Bart
    eternal-earthbound-pets@msn.com

  4. Bart,
    BRILLIANT! HA! I appreciate your entrepreneurial and dry sense of humor. Please know that many Christians (myself included) are embarrassed by the “rapture” teachings of Tim LaHaye and others. In fact, no one in the Christian church taught or believed this cheesiness until the 1830s, when a British lawyer cooked up the schema.

    Keep up the “good” work, man!
    -Rev. Zachary Bartels

  5. Dear Rev. Z,

    Thank you!

    Actually, while heavily promoted in the 19th century, my research indicates Rapture got its jump start in the early 18th century.

    I have received over 4500 emails to my site. About 10% are from Christians who, like yourself, see this non-doctrinal perversion of scripture as embarrassing and my offering as amusing. .. wishing me luck on our venture.

    I am happy to announce that as of 9:30 am eastern time this morning we signed our 100th client.

    Thanks for your well wishes.

    Best regards,
    Bart

  6. Okay, Dr. Wittmer… 18th Century??? We need your historical theology prowess here (and don’t tell me that Jesus came up with the Rapture in the 1st Century).

  7. “The concept of the rapture, in connection with premillennialism, was expressed by the American Puritan father and son Increase and Cotton Mather. They held to the idea that believers would be caught up in the air, followed by judgments on the earth and then the millennium.[4][5] The term rapture was used by Philip Doddridge (1738) and John Gill (1748) in their New Testament commentaries, with the idea that believers would be caught up prior to judgment on the earth and Jesus’ Second Coming. The concept of a pre-tribulation rapture was articulated by Baptist Morgan Edwards in an essay published in 1788 in Philadelphia.[6]”

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rapture

  8. But who is going to milk the cows?

  9. As an interesting twist, the popular thought in the Middle Ages was that the “rapture” was actually the snatching away of the reprobates for judgment, with the righteous being left behind. Perhaps we need a Designated Elect company to care for the animals of the atheists, just in case Tim LaHaye got it wrong.

  10. Jonathan, that is so interesting. I am looking into Middle Ages Christian belief, esp. circa 782-820. Could you (or anyone) recommend some articles/books?

    Thanks,
    adam

  11. Adam,

    There is no end to excellent books and articles. Is there a particular topic, geographical area, thinker in particular? If I remember my history correctly, this would be around the time of the iconoclasm controversy and the Second Council of Nicea. Is that your area of interest?

    Regardless, Schaff’s 8 vol History is a classic and well worth checking out, if you haven’t already. Otherwise, Mike posted his “must read” list for Church History several months ago – you could search for that list along with the several other excellent suggestions posted in the comments.

  12. Jonathan, thank you for the info. I’ll check out the post. But because you asked, 🙂 I’ll say my greatest, particular areas of interest are:

    (1) The Carolingian Renaissance generally
    (2) The Monastic worldview of 8th Century Gaul
    (3) Carolingian perspective on Judaism, Islam, and pagandom
    (4) Christendom’s first encounters with the Saxons and Vikings

    I’ve been doing a lot of research, collecting some books. I can’t get enough of it.🙂 But I feel like there are so many gaps in my knowledge…

  13. Well, obviously the idea of “a rapture,” (people being caught up into the sky) is found in Paul’s epistles. And obviously, for premillennarians, this will happen before the millennium. But the actual pre-trib position: a rapture that kicks of a supposed (very delayed and very literal) seventieth seven of tribulation before the (third) coming of Christ? I would be shocked to find that in the 18th century. Anyone have a link to the supposed Edwards sermon?

  14. Z. Bartels said: ” But the actual pre-trib position: a rapture that kicks of a supposed (very delayed and very literal) seventieth seven of tribulation before the (third) coming of Christ? I would be shocked to find that in the 18th century. Anyone have a link to the supposed Edwards sermon?”

    The citation I provided above:

    “The concept of a pre-tribulation rapture was articulated by Baptist Morgan Edwards in an essay published in 1788 in Philadelphia.[6]”

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rapture

    Doesn’t do that for you? It’s foot noted and researchable.

    Bill N said: “But who is going to milk the cows?”

    Bill, depending on what state you live in, for a price we’ll milk whatever cows you pay for. 😉

  15. Adam:

    Gaps in knowledge… that sums it up, doesn’t it? Sadly, the Carolingian Ren is a prime example of my ignorance. Beside Schaff, Pelikan and Hubert Jedin also have excellent multi-volume histories that should have detailed info on primary and secondary sources. Other than that, I’ll defer to the opinions of any others who may care to weigh in. Best of luck in your research.

  16. [ The other day I saw the following web item and would like to share it for what it is worth. Re the claim for Morgan Edwards, I believe MacPherson’s Google item “Deceiving and Being Deceived” adequately demolishes it. Also it is evident upon investigation that the Mathers, Gill and others prior to the 1800s saw a catching up immediately before the posttribulational judgments of the second advent and not before the tribulation of Antichrist which they felt had long been under way. Karl M-H ]

    PRETRIB RAPTURE RUSTLERS

    To see the long hidden side of the 179-year-old, British-invented-and-American-merchandised, apocalyptic “rapture” mania, Google “Pretrib Rapture Diehards,” “Thomas Ice (Bloopers)” (the sloppy copyist “genius” that Lindsey, LaHaye and other “rapture” tycoons lean on!), “LaHaye’s Temperament,” “America’s Pretrib Rapture Traffickers,” “Edward Irving is Unnerving,” “Thieves’ Marketing,” “Appendix F: Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Pretrib Hypocrisy,” “The Newest Pretrib Calendar,” “The Rapture Index (Mad Theology),” “Roots of (Warlike) Christian Zionism” and “Pretrib Rapture Dishonesty,” for starters. The author of these items plus the bestselling nonfiction book “The Rapture Plot” (available online) is journalist/historian Dave MacPherson who has uniquely focused for 40 years on the bizarre history of this endtime craze which is anti-Jewish, anti-Catholic and anti- just about everyone else! MacPherson is the one who has researched throughout Britain and aired so much rapturesque “dirty linen” he’s found behind the scenes (dishonest revisionism of early 19th century documents, rampant plagiarism, phony doctorates, Swaggart-type scandals etc.) that he is now No. 1 on the hate lists of the leading “rapture” money-changers! As everyone’s black, dust-covered book says, “There is nothing hidden that won’t be revealed….”

  17. “Edward Irving is Unnerving” on Google is one interesting article. And so is “Pretrib Rapture Dishonesty.”
    Donnie

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